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[Aug. 26th, 2009|08:44 pm] |
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I wish there were words that could tell you how I feel, a picture to paint you a thousand words. But all I have is silence and a pleading glance. Please. Please please understand. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 21st, 2009|12:32 am] |
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I suppose they were all right. But being the stubborn, stupid, impatient me I just chose to ignore it all. I guess I should have listened to what I told myself before. Before anything even happened. Good friends was, it is, a good place to be. I really do believe that its possible to love someone that much, to care about him/her but not meant to be together. Perhaps it was naivety on my part. A stubbornness unwilling to accept that this wasnt meant to be. Perhaps we just weren't trying hard enough. It was on hindsight a rash decision on my part. I wanted to think that it was me against the world and that I would triumph above the 'adversity' so to speak. But I guess I was wrong. Not surprisingly.
On a side note, I need to form friendships that arent with fair-weathered friends. Friendships with people I can go through jungles with, watch sunsets together and have trips to the zoo. People who wont decide, at any time that their problems are bigger than mine so I should patiently wait in the backseat until everything turns out great for them. I'm just tired, really. Although I'm not so sure of what. What I do know is that my life hasnt turned out the way I wanted it to. I cant quite describe how it feels realising that you fight so hard your whole life to become the person you have in mind and realise after it all that you just ended where you dont want to be, the person that you wanted to avoid being. I dont quite know how it came to this except that there really isn't anything or anyone to blame besides myself. I dont quite know where to go from here. How to start picking up the pieces and piecing them together again. I'm not sure I even want to because really, where does that leave me other than being in a situation where everything starts to fall apart again and I mourn over it for awhile before having to repeat that whole process again. I dont know where I want to be. And even if I knew, I dont know if I have the strength to do it all again, much less do it all myself.
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| Now is my time |
[Apr. 22nd, 2009|02:04 pm] |
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There seems to have been a rather paradigm shift in my priorities, my likes and dislikes, my character even perhaps. Depending on who you are, how close you are to me and how you knew me, you'll have a different take on it. Contrary to belief though, it isn't a deliberate, rebellious attempt to strike out at anyone. Oh and yes I do know what you all think. I see the pity in your eyes when you get caught looking at me. There's despair in your face as you try not to grimace over how fallen and wayward you think I've become.
It's very saddening though, to know that you think I'm throwing my life away. Sad that after all the promises of unending support and friendship that'll withstand the test of time and trials, I find myself walking through the valleys and mountains alone while you stand at a distance with your disapproving glances wondering where I went wrong. And then you flit in and out of my life, coming and going as you please, according to your whims and fancies as I struggle to hold my balance, trying my best to keep that smile, that trust I'd placed in you before.
The last year has been a walk I've taken largely alone, with only the support and hand-holding of a handful. For most part, it was groping in the dark, trying to find a way along, taking fragile, uncertain steps in the only direction I could see. But much like with every other stumbling block that has been placed in my path, I take a deep breath, suck it up and tell myself to take it a day at a time. And along the way, I discovered that there's so much more than what you've allowed me to experience, so much more than what you've allowed me to see. So I guess now is the time for me to live life for myself, to be not just what you allow me to be but who I want to be. Now is the time I get to dream and dream big, not be discouraged by the snide remarks and comments that you pass off as concern.
Now is my time.
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 5th, 2009|04:43 pm] |
For extra credit, Mrs Snyder made us act out al the parts. Sal Scarfarillo was Romeo. As fate would have it, I was Juliet... Most of the girls were green with envy. I wasn't. I told Mrs. Snyder that Juliet was an idiot. For one thing, she falls for the one guy she knows she can't have... Everyone thinks it's so romantic; Romeo and Juliet, true love... How sad. If Juliet was stupid enough to fall for the enemy, drink a bottle of poison, and go to sleep in a mausoleum, then she deserved everything she got.
-Meredith Grey
I never thought of it that way at all! And I suppose it does make some sense. Then again, attraction is something you have almost no control over. Much as it makes you lose control, lose sense of who you are, its also a feeling that puts you on top of the world, gives you hope and something to believe in.
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| Maybe what I want is for you to want the same things |
[Dec. 26th, 2008|09:58 pm] |
I want to hope, to dream. But I'm afraid. More than anything in the world really. I'm afraid of seeing what would greet me at the end of my fantasy. I'm afraid of getting hurt, of being disappointed. I find myself thinking about you so much, thinking of what we have, what we could if you wanted it too. Then I hate myself for dreaming of what seems like the impossible. Of something I know will not bear fruit. I hate that I'm wanting it so bad and I'm not even entirely sure what it is that I want.
I'm happy with the place that we're at. Good friends is good, it's a good place to be really. But it really feels like there's something else thats right in the room that I'm missing out on. Something different, something more. I know now that the signs I've seen aren't just constructions in my head. But I really do believe you when you said you aren't ready. And it really hurts, little jolts of pain that shoot out from my heart and through my body. But I know where you stand on this so no, I wont expect anything. I wont allow myself any space for expectations. |
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